Happy..for a bit at least.

So yeah, blissfully happy ( and i mean that )
I decided not to tell anyone until i was three months gone, as i needed to speak to doctors and stuff first. Let me just say, i was worried because while i was with my ex, he battered me so much that my doctor advised me against having any more children, my ex had damaged my womb and it had scar tissue on it that was weak and would not stand up to a full term pregnancy.
When i did go, and i was told that everything would be kept under observation but not to get my hopes up too much, i was worried but also happy. My partner was over the moon about the baby. He had shocked me to be fair, although pleasantly this time, chatting about how i was, being overprotective, you know lol.
Until, about a month later, i woke up in the night, and i felt really really ill and hot. Until i got to the bathroom, i thought i was just sweating like a pig. When i got to the bathroom, and realised it was blood, i just couldn't do anything except sit there and cry. I slid to the floor and cried my eyes out. Anyone who has had a miscarriage will know what i mean when i say, i was angry at myself, angry at my useless body, i couldn't even have a baby and do it right ffs.
When my partner came down in the morning and found me, still covered in blood, i have to admit he was brilliant. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If i thought i had seen a glimpse of the man i fell in love with in the past few weeks, i had the full picture this time. He refused to leave my side all the time i was in the hospital, and fussed over me when i came home. I had a few days off and then went back to work..all i wanted to do was apologise to him for letting him down. I was grieving badly too. And i know he did because he was quiet and miserable with everyone at work. Isn't it amazing, the things that should pull you together, are the worst culprits for pushing you apart?
Well in due course we both got over it and began to move on.
Sometime early the following year, all i know is it was winter and it was bloody FREEZING.. we fell out over something, i think he called my son names and i told him to sod off, he had pissed everyone off at work or they had all fell out, and i was the only person who wanted to go and chat to him, i made endless cups of tea, i felt so sorry for him all the shit he was getting, gradually, we began to speak again (when he stopped being an arse lol) and i finally said what i had wanted to say when i lost the baby.
"(**)" , i said, i love you with everything i've got. You shout at me, swear, i never give up hope that you will just see one day and treat me better because you realise what you've got. I will never cheat on you, or hurt you, or leave you. I always take you back no matter what you have done or said or how long you have been away. No matter what anyone else says to me about you, i belong to you. Come and claim me as yours and stop treating me like shit ffs."
He just turned and walked away. I wish i had realised then what i do now. I think he has problems expressing himself, i know he is a grumpy fucker too. I think he suffers from depression. I know he feels unloved by his family. I should maybe have been more understanding, but i could not see how. Maybe if i had just walked away myself, i would have saved a lot of heartache and hurt. But how can you walk away from someone you love deeply? Ok, a lot of the trust i had had gradually worn away, but it was nothing i thought i couldn't rebuild with a bit of effort.
So i shrugged and walked away too. Later on that night, he turned up at mine, and said "I thought about what you said. I have come to get you and tell you you are mine and i love you. And thank you for standing by me through everything."
Even my son came to the point where he accepted (**) throwing a wobbly every now and again, and excused it with the words "It must have been how he was brought up." Lol 11 years old and managed to work that out! I think we both grew more and more patient as time went on.
Having developed more of an understanding and a bit more patience, and realising underneath it all, my partner had a heart of gold really, he became easier to live with.
In april this year, i missed my period. Standing in the toilets at work, of all places, i fumbled with the pack of pregnancy tests i had brought and did the deed (twice, i had 2 lol) sitting there looking at two positive tests, and totally in denial, i made some excuse about forgetting to get cigarettes, went back out and brought another two in case the first ones were wrong.
Shaking like a leaf but completely over the moon and just a little bit worried, i put a face on and went outside. My partner was stood there.
Asked me if i was ok.
How on this earth i didn't throw my arms round him i don't know lol. But at that moment i looked at him and felt a rush of love i hadn't felt for a long time. "The father of my baby" i thought, chuffed. "What are you smiling about?" he asked.. "nothing" i breezed, still thinking in the back of my mind that it was someone's idea of a joke..this time it felt so right, so real, the last time faded into distant memory compared to this.
On the way home, i passed him one of the tests and said, "This time i'm safe because i'm driving and you're not."
He just looked at it and said nothing. Then he passed it back to me.
Ohhhh k not what i was expecting, it took the wind out of my sails a bit, but i remembered the last time and left it. "Maybe he's worried too," i thought. Got back home..still nothing. He sat in the living room and ignored me until we went to bed. In bed, i asked him, "Are you happy..do you think we will be ok?" I don't know why i asked that, something just didn't feel right. "We'll see," he said, "Only time will tell."
Not the response i was hoping for.