Happy..for a bit at least.

So yeah, blissfully happy ( and i mean that )
I decided not to tell anyone until i was three months gone, as i needed to speak to doctors and stuff first. Let me just say, i was worried because while i was with my ex, he battered me so much that my doctor advised me against having any more children, my ex had damaged my womb and it had scar tissue on it that was weak and would not stand up to a full term pregnancy.
When i did go, and i was told that everything would be kept under observation but not to get my hopes up too much, i was worried but also happy. My partner was over the moon about the baby. He had shocked me to be fair, although pleasantly this time, chatting about how i was, being overprotective, you know lol.
Until, about a month later, i woke up in the night, and i felt really really ill and hot. Until i got to the bathroom, i thought i was just sweating like a pig. When i got to the bathroom, and realised it was blood, i just couldn't do anything except sit there and cry. I slid to the floor and cried my eyes out. Anyone who has had a miscarriage will know what i mean when i say, i was angry at myself, angry at my useless body, i couldn't even have a baby and do it right ffs.
When my partner came down in the morning and found me, still covered in blood, i have to admit he was brilliant. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If i thought i had seen a glimpse of the man i fell in love with in the past few weeks, i had the full picture this time. He refused to leave my side all the time i was in the hospital, and fussed over me when i came home. I had a few days off and then went back to work..all i wanted to do was apologise to him for letting him down. I was grieving badly too. And i know he did because he was quiet and miserable with everyone at work. Isn't it amazing, the things that should pull you together, are the worst culprits for pushing you apart?
Well in due course we both got over it and began to move on.
Sometime early the following year, all i know is it was winter and it was bloody FREEZING.. we fell out over something, i think he called my son names and i told him to sod off, he had pissed everyone off at work or they had all fell out, and i was the only person who wanted to go and chat to him, i made endless cups of tea, i felt so sorry for him all the shit he was getting, gradually, we began to speak again (when he stopped being an arse lol) and i finally said what i had wanted to say when i lost the baby.
"(**)" , i said, i love you with everything i've got. You shout at me, swear, i never give up hope that you will just see one day and treat me better because you realise what you've got. I will never cheat on you, or hurt you, or leave you. I always take you back no matter what you have done or said or how long you have been away. No matter what anyone else says to me about you, i belong to you. Come and claim me as yours and stop treating me like shit ffs."
He just turned and walked away. I wish i had realised then what i do now. I think he has problems expressing himself, i know he is a grumpy fucker too. I think he suffers from depression. I know he feels unloved by his family. I should maybe have been more understanding, but i could not see how. Maybe if i had just walked away myself, i would have saved a lot of heartache and hurt. But how can you walk away from someone you love deeply? Ok, a lot of the trust i had had gradually worn away, but it was nothing i thought i couldn't rebuild with a bit of effort.
So i shrugged and walked away too. Later on that night, he turned up at mine, and said "I thought about what you said. I have come to get you and tell you you are mine and i love you. And thank you for standing by me through everything."
Even my son came to the point where he accepted (**) throwing a wobbly every now and again, and excused it with the words "It must have been how he was brought up." Lol 11 years old and managed to work that out! I think we both grew more and more patient as time went on.
Having developed more of an understanding and a bit more patience, and realising underneath it all, my partner had a heart of gold really, he became easier to live with.
In april this year, i missed my period. Standing in the toilets at work, of all places, i fumbled with the pack of pregnancy tests i had brought and did the deed (twice, i had 2 lol) sitting there looking at two positive tests, and totally in denial, i made some excuse about forgetting to get cigarettes, went back out and brought another two in case the first ones were wrong.
Shaking like a leaf but completely over the moon and just a little bit worried, i put a face on and went outside. My partner was stood there.
Asked me if i was ok.
How on this earth i didn't throw my arms round him i don't know lol. But at that moment i looked at him and felt a rush of love i hadn't felt for a long time. "The father of my baby" i thought, chuffed. "What are you smiling about?" he asked.. "nothing" i breezed, still thinking in the back of my mind that it was someone's idea of a joke..this time it felt so right, so real, the last time faded into distant memory compared to this.
On the way home, i passed him one of the tests and said, "This time i'm safe because i'm driving and you're not."
He just looked at it and said nothing. Then he passed it back to me.
Ohhhh k not what i was expecting, it took the wind out of my sails a bit, but i remembered the last time and left it. "Maybe he's worried too," i thought. Got back home..still nothing. He sat in the living room and ignored me until we went to bed. In bed, i asked him, "Are you happy..do you think we will be ok?" I don't know why i asked that, something just didn't feel right. "We'll see," he said, "Only time will tell."
Not the response i was hoping for.

Just when you think...

...Everything is ok doesn't something just come along and ruin it all?
Thinking we were over the teething problems, and usual crap, i relaxed into the relationship again. Ok so things were a little different, but i decided that a couple of glitches weren't enough to split us up or cause me to lose trust.
So you can imagine my surprise when, after everything had seemed back to normal, my partner turned round to me one day after spending a couple of days at his sisters, and said, "I am not happy and i do not want to be with you any more."
Shocked wasn't the word lol. So as he drove off, i sat there and thought about the weeks before, had he been acting odd? No.. had i done something wrong? Not that i knew of, and in my opinion, if i had, and he hadn't told me, then it was his problem, not mine. I'm not a mind reader ffs.
Well i decided that i had had enough of being messed around, and deleted his phone number so i couldn't call or text no matter how i missed him or how upset i was. And i in turn heard nothing for a week or so. I carried on going to work as usual, and just made sure i was out early so i didn't have to see him and feel upset.
It wasn't long before i was out on a job and had to phone him though. Miles away and setting up traffic lights that had worked on the morning when they were being tested, but threw a wobbly when expected to work out on the road. Typical. So i let my work partner talk to him instead. Like i pointed out, i was upset and didn't want to speak to him so if andy didn't do it then there would be a bit of stop and go happening lol.
Later on that night when i got home, i had a text from (**) saying why didn't i want to speak to him. I replied, because, you dumped me and i don't want to put myself through that.
The next text said "Well i miss you and i would like to see you"
Bless..it threw me anyway lol. I didn't know what to say. So i left it. Then another message.."Why aren't you talking to me are you still angry with me? I am sorry i dumped you i did not mean to and i want to see you."
Then another message almost straight away.."Please nicki, i do not want to see you with someone else, i could not take it, it would break my heart."
Well, i might have been pissed off but i am not a cold hearted cow so i replied, "Thank you but i do not want anyone else. I wanted you and you dumped me. I do not want to see you or have any more messages off you. Its too painful. I don't know what i did wrong or why you think i am not good enough for you on my own, please leave me alone ok"
Then.."Please..i did not mean to hurt you. I want you to forgive me, please, i miss you. I will not stop texting you until you come back to me ok."
Hmph. How do men know how to get at you?
So i text back, ok.. come over. Flippin eck he must have just been parked round the corner because he was there in like, 20 minutes lol. I will give him 10 out of 10 for that..because he KNEW i didn't want to love anyone else. He bloody knew i would still be there, hurt, but still his.
This has been my downfall through this relationship really.
So, when he turned up, i was so chuffed to see him all i could do was throw my arms round him and say, "Don't say anything ok, i forgive you, all i want is you. I love you"
I couldn't be angry. And i am not one to hold grudges or throw things at people so i did truly just let it go. I didn't care why he did it any more. All i cared about is that he was home.

Lets shoot forward a couple of months now. Everything running along smoothly. My partner did something to his back at work and needed a couple of days off. He left work and went to his sisters. And supposedly to the doctors lol. As it was quiet at work, i asked if i could use the pc. Popped online for a bit, had an email saying '(**) has commented on so-and-so's photo.' So of course, i thought i'd have a look lol. He had said (on a photo of this womans tits) "Nice tattoo, i wish i could see more of it."
By now i was absolutely FUMING ok this woman lived in America and it was a bit of harmless comment but he wouldn't like it if i did it, so going on that, i went out to a collection with one of the lads from work, texted (**) to say that i wasn't very happy about the comment, and got this message in reply..."Shut the fuck up you stupid idiot, she lives in america and i can say what i want to who i want ok. So shut up you stupid cunt and get a life pmsl. Besides i only did it because i knew you would break your neck to see if i had been online."
My reply then was, "Ok, you play your games and i'll play mine."
His reply.."What do you mean??"
Mine.. "You'll see."
His.. "I'm sorry i did not mean to do it it was only a joke i will delete it ok. You know i have nowhere to stay tonight and i have a bad back and my sisters is full because *** is staying, his missus kicked him out."
Mine.. (Angry as hell) "Well join the club cos i have just kicked you out. I'm sick of you hurting me. Fuck off."

Long pause during which i went home and did some shopping, cooked tea, basically all the time he needed to decide he had been a twat. And to decide what to say this time to make it better.

Sure enough.. Beep beep.."Nicki i am really sorry i really don't know why i do these things to you. I know you love me and that is why i keep on hurting you. I am sorry ok. Please just let me stay tonight and i will go tomorrow, i just do not want to sleep in the van."
Jeez, i thought he had been telling porkies..well angry as i was (does this sound familiar now?) i could not let him sleep in the van, i knew how bad his back was. So i phoned him to come over. Are you screaming at the screen yet telling me to toughen up lol.
Well over he came, and the only thing i did that was tough ended up on my ass.. "You can sleep here but i won't sleep with you. I will sleep on the sofa."
:-/ ...... Whats wrong with that picture lol? He does wrong, i am the one putting myself out. Must have been an angel in a previous life. Or a village idiot :-(
Of course, he stayed, and stayed, and then i let it go, again.
There has been other stuff since then, not involving other women (that i know of) but with his losing his temper, swearing at me, putting me down constantly..leaving and staying at his sisters for up to a week before coming back, and i, through everything, just patiently put up with it all.
Then, i found out i was expecting his baby. Strung between thinking "Shit" and "Yaay" what a weird feeling...I told him on the way back from work one day. This is how it came out. He asked me if i was going to have my hair done that weekend. I replied that i wasn't, because colour might not take when you are expecting a baby..
Luckily he managed NOT to crash the van lol.
So he went quiet..and kept looking at me in some odd way. I sat there thinking, "Oh god what is he working up to say?" I needn't have worried. He walked into the kitchen, and horror of all horrors, started washing up .. hmm .. then cooked tea .. hmm ..then came in while i was having a shower, hugged me and said "I am really happy to be having a baby with you sweetheart, i will be good for you ok."

True love or just blind?

And so. Truly madly and deeply in love.
I ignored everyone that said anything bad about this person. Why i just don't know because after my past experiences, you would have thought i would want to cover my ass with both hands.
Nope. Convinced after all i had put up with that 'someone-up-there' had finally thought, lets give nicki a break, i believed that this was it.
So, even when i was told by his ex that he was still with her when he met me and told me he was single, even when contacted by another woman to tell me she was also seeing him at the time, i laughed these off as two very bitter people and this was helped as i asked him and his reply was oh yes, i was seeing so and so but we split up before i met you.
The list mounted up and up with these women telling me that while he was with them, he slept with their friends, and such similar things, gradually though these comments died down and i was left to wallow in what i thought i had found.
Truth is, i refused to see or believe anything bad about my partner. He was an angel to me, stuff what everyone else had to say. To the people who tried to warn me, sorry for not listening and thank you for at least trying, but there was no way these warnings were getting through the fog lol.
Even when, one day, i was sitting watching him on the pc and he went to the loo, and an msn message popped up on the screen from a girl called claire.."I thought you were going to come and see me last night. I am not very happy that you didn't come." I did ask him about this, his reply was that she was the daughter of a friend of his and he was supposed to go round and help her fix her pc. I believed every word, why shouldn't i? Now i am wondering.. but that is best kept till later i guess. Thing is, at the time, i chose to trust, nothing wrong with that i suppose. I have male friends, i am not one of those psycho's who doesn't 'allow' my partner to have female friends. I didn't, and still don't despite everything, consider myself his keeper. And, i loved and trusted him and had no reason to doubt what he said.
Not long after this, i started working at the same company as him. It was brilliant, from my point of view, i got to spend all day being close to the person i loved lol.
When i met him, i knew that he had a holiday booked to go with some lads from work to greece. Not a problem from my point of view either. The whole truth?? I did not think for even one second that he would cheat on me. So, he went, and i missed him terribly. And still not one thought crossed my mind that he would have done anything wrong. Not even when i dropped him off at his friends house ready to catch the plane in the morning, and he walzed off without saying goodbye or anything. Not even when i went to pick them up and they all piled in the car and he didn't even hug or kiss me. Ok, i was pissed off, but thought maybe he felt funny doing that in front of the 'lads' lol.
So, a couple of weeks later when i walked in on a conversation taking place about how he pulled on holiday, i even managed to ignore that. When i was told that he had been on a job and shouted at some girl to get her tits out, which she apparently promptly did, but he had told me that it was the person he was working with that had made the comments. I even didn't mind that so much, i brushed it off as lads having a laugh. I wasn't happy about it obviously, but it was innocent to me.
When i looked on facebook and saw a photo of him dancing with some girl he had met on holiday however, it felt a bit different. When i asked him about this, he said "I went on holiday to have fun so i don't feel guilty." When i said i had a copy of the photo on my phone, and he was dancing behind her .. i mean right up behind her, he tried to grab my phone to have a look. When i got the phone back off him, he pushed me across the room, i slammed into the wall face first and then fell onto the floor. Maybe i should have left him then, i don't know. I do know i had a cracking black eye and didn't see him except for at work, for a whole week.
I was so annoyed i contacted the girl who posted the photo. She told me "He was all over me one night kissing me and stuff, and wanted to sleep with me, i said no."
HE said "She is just pissed off because she wanted to sleep with me and i said no."
Hmm. Now what am i supposed to think? This was the first time my confidence in him had been shaken.
Now he started making comments not long after this. You cunt, you stupid cow, you idiot, you twat..things like that. I, naturally, wondered where the man had gone that i had fallen in love with. I held on, waiting for him to make a reappearance. No such luck.
So. I decided to cut my losses and run, before i got hurt even more. Yes, three years on my own definately gave me the balls to do some things lol.
So, i asked him to leave. He wasn't happy about it, but off he went. About a week later i got a text from him asking if we could talk. I will say that i had spent the whole week in hell, and wondering if i had done the right thing. I missed the kids. I missed him. I wondered if it was me, if i had approached it wrong, or gone over the top about something silly. I forgot about being shoved across the room. I forgot about the name calling. That all went when he sent me that text asking if we could talk.
I arranged to meet him near bromsgrove in a nice quiet place where we wouldn't be disturbed or have anyone else interfering.
Well, we sat, and talked, and i was very open about what i felt and how he had hurt me. I accepted things he said about me too. At one point it went a bit pear shaped and i just about gave up, and went back to the van, ready to leave, because it wasn't working. He grabbed the keys and threw them into a field the tosser lol. Then he said "You are just like all the rest" and started crying. Well, i was mortified. I stopped feeling angry and started to try to be understanding. About how he felt. About how he had been let down.
About the times i had promised him (he reminded me) that i would not leave him. And as he went off to find the keys, i resolved to sort it out properly.
So we sat and chatted. He promised not to hurt me any more or call me names.
I promised not to stay in touch with phil (my ex) and all sorted, we went home.
A few weeks later, we were at his dads house, when he was doing something with the car and asked me to do something or other, i couldn't hear him so i said "Can't hear you, sorry." His response was then to shout loud enough for the whole of birmingham to hear "Fuck off then you stupid deaf bastard." Jesus..well i wasn't standing for THAT. And in front of his dad and the kids as well. I was so embarrassed.
So i did. He told me to fuck off.. so, I started walking.
Well i had got to frankley beeches before he phoned me asking where i was. I told him, i'm on my way home, and when i get there, i swear to god i will have nothing more to do with you.
Well he turned up, with the kids in the car, and started shouting at me to get in the car. I saw the kids' faces, they were so upset. But i couldn't do it..i was sick of being treated like a piece of crap. So when he left i was upset, but ok, i knew i had make my point. He dropped the kids off and came to find me again. This time, i got in the car but refused to speak to him. After all, he knew what he had done wrong. He had promised not to swear or shout at me again. All i could think about was how had it all gone so wrong?
When he dropped me at home, i told him what it was he had done. He apologised profusely, telling me that he was sorry, he knew he was in the wrong, and bad tempered. I was cross. I told him, you made me break my promise. I promised i would never leave you, i would put up with everything you threw at me, i would not be like all the other people you have been out with..but you put me on the spot and embarrassed me.
Speaking to him made me calm down to the point where i could just put it behind me as an argument, but i told him, all i ask is to be treated fairly and with respect.
So, it went for quite a while without incident, everything was brilliant, he became, again, the person i had fallen for. A bit grumpy, but the 'honeymoon period' doesn't last forever does it lol.
And i was glad i had let go, or forgiven, things he had said, or things i had heard about him, and things he admitted to doing, because it meant, in my eyes, that he finally realised, i wasn't about to go anywhere. That i did really love him.

Where was i? Oh yes.

Yeah so...being treated nicely for once did come as a bit of a shock lol.
Even my mum, who had witnessed not only my awful taste in men, but the aftermath, fetching me from hospital, sobbing her heart out because she thought 'the next time she would come to collect me, it would be in a box' sitting there with me crying my eyes out having found out i'd been cheated on, and she was quite rightly worried about this 'new arrival' and how long it would be before he showed his true colours, so reserved judgement for quite a while. One day she came to me, held my hand and said, "The light is back in your eyes, i never thought i would see that in you again..you have done well and i'm really proud of you and i like **** very much. I see how happy he makes you." And hugged me so tight i could hardly breathe.
Well for someone like my mum, very reserved when it comes to showing affection, it came as a proper surprise. I couldn't hold myself together and burst into tears. Lol. How embarrassing. But the truth is, i was happy she had accepted him if i'm honest.
I myself had never felt so loved, respected and cared for. I also felt safe and completely trusted my partner too.
I am one of lifes' loving people, i trust until i have no reason to, i try to be nice to everyone, i try never to be mean or unkind, and i am openly affectionate..i mean, why should i give a toss if people are around or looking when i tell someone i love them, hold their hand or give them a cuddle? My partner mis-sold me a product here..as when i started going out with him i was very open about how i am, and he said he was the same, well, later on of course it transpired that that was a bit of a fib lol.
Anyway. Back to christmas 2006..about two weeks after i started going out with my partner. As i mentioned before, he has children. Well the day i was due to meet them, i do not mind admitting i was a complete mess and a proper bag of nerves. "What if they don't like me?" i asked my mum.
"What is there not to like?" my sister asked.."Nicki, you are a really nice person and those kids will love you as much as michael and rachael do."
And she was right, i love my partners' kids as if they were my own. Ok, that is a very easy thing to say but it is true, although it would probably prove to make things more difficult later on.
I found i loved them that bit more because i loved him so much, after all, you would love something that is a part of someone YOU loved wouldn't you?
I listened when he talked about his past, and really felt for him and the kids. They seemed to have been through so much. Ok so he wasn't as willing to listen to me, but i didn't mind. My past was my past after all.
Slowly i found myself giving in and allowed myself to love this person. Completely and without reserve. I opened my heart up to him and for the first time in my life, i wasn't frightened to. And i truly learnt what love felt like. I have told him, time and time again, how until i met him, yes, i thought i loved, and that it was different, say, from the kind of love you feel for your children, but i felt something with this person that made me realise it was the first time i had ever truly loved a man.

Appreciate what you've got

I suppose because you never know when it will be gone.
Up to a couple of weeks ago, i was in a (i thought) fairly secure, happy relationship with just a couple of ups and downs or things, you know the ones that you would like to change but you can live with anyway?
Then it was like someone had pulled the plug on me lol.
Now..i have had my fair share of crap and i did think at one time, what's the bloody point, so i had given up on relationships, and just concentrated on my son and daughter. To me, all men were mean, moody, abusive, unfathomable creatures that gave anyone involved with one of their species a whole pile of shit.
Or maybe it was just me. Friendships with men were fine, but relationships? SOD THAT!!
I was with someone for nearly ten years, where i can honestly and with nothing crossed say that if a day went past without me being hit or verbally abused, i must have missed it. So when we split up, i called it a day on boyfriend stuff. With one exception..i did go out with another man, who i am sort of still friends with, who was a habitual cheat, so, not being into open - on - one - side relationships, i called time on that one too. Now thoroughly disillusioned, i stayed single for two years. Ok, it was lonely at times, but i give it one thing, it was bloody peaceful with no crap or worrying about cheating partners or what i might catch lol.
I had tons and tons of friends and went out every friday, did what i wanted, when i wanted, and worked all week delivering car parts.
Through all of my relationships (two i would call serious) i have been faithful and not even flirted with another man, its just something i wouldn't do, no matter how badly i was being treated, i would give everything to my partner, and be only his.
One friend told me once, the one man who is worth all your tears, would NEVER make you cry. How true that is.
Just at that point i hadn't found that man and didn't think i ever would.
Probably didn't care either lol.
So, living my nice single life with its tough moments thrown in, i wasn't particularly looking for anyone.
On the internet i met some right weirdo's, but usually managed to fend them off by saying 'sorry i have a boyfriend' some of them would press the issue, 'does he mind sharing' YUK! I mean, i often wondered how THEY would feel if i was their partner, and another man said something like that..well we all know men, they would have a fit wouldn't they lol.
One person i used to speak to (now my current partner haha) i did like, but was sure as i knew he had children living with him, that he was married or something, so gave him the old 'sorry have a bf' and other brush offs, well for about six months this went on .. very funny.
When i did find out he was single i was like 'shit' but hey, hadn't lost anything really. So when we started speaking again, i made sure he was like totally single (i have never been one for hurting other people to get what i want) before accepting when he asked me to go to his work do.
AFTER i accepted obviously i told my sister (the first person of course!) who refused to say why but advised me not to go out with him. Of course i ignored this advice lol and found myself going out with, what i thought was, one of the kindest, most thoughtful, genuine people i had ever met.
From stating she didn't think much of him, my sister saw how happy i was and accepted she had been wrong.
And oh my god for those first few months i did not think i could be happier..ever.

First post

I thought been as though i'm back online that i would find the blog i started and get busy with it lol.
Especially as i will soon be off work having my baby so don't want to be bored.
I have no idea what to write on it, i suppose it will come in time lol.